Home

Can you justify that which you do?

All the fleeting glances,

All the right words unspoken.

You are scared of the feelings, 

Just say what you really mean.

Tell the truth, I shall not lie to you. 

I can accept mistakes, I am kind. 

Several chances have already been given.

I am small, how could I harm you.

Take that which has been given to you.

This beating heart,

This smile, praise, eagerness to please.

It all belongs to you.

Why do you flee?

Walking away you will never know,

the happiness I can extend.

Can you justify that which you do?

Pushing everything away,

that could change you forever,

Make you the better man I, YOU, WE know you can be.

Do not be scared dear,

I can help you.

I can make you happy, now that we are three.

Heart Breaker

My heart is at its breaking point,

pining for the attention of him.

The one who will make my heart whole again.

It is aching for that touch,

to feel what love feels like again.

That deep throbbing during lovemaking,

when calling his name and everything feels right. 

It will not wait much longer before it busts.

The sacrifice has been made, it is time to be 

redeemed. 

Life Quote and Response

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

I love love love this quote. It reminds me that taking chances is apart of life and love is apart of life. Breaking someone's heart or getting your heartbroken is not something one should fear. Life is about reaching out to as many people as possible in friendship, love and family. Being a good friend can in the end prolong life because no one wants to die alone. I love how the author of the quote was so open and descriptive of how one should see life and love. It made a ding sound in my head like duh, here ya go RACH, this was what you needed in regards of something to remind me the goal of life and love. Since I have started back to my writing, I have found that my words are not so forthcoming and I really have to dig deep to get out what I am feeling. I think it is because I have been suppressing them for so long. Now that I am back at reading quotes and inspirational book I have been able to touch those feelings again. And I can safely say without a doubt that i miss the feelings of being in love. I miss those feelings of passion more than any other feeling i have had in a long time. Knowing that the person i am in love with is the one, brings such peace and tranquility to life. It is amazing now that i look back to when I was in love how i did not realize that it was actually love. I allowed those feeling to be taken away because I did not want to upset the balance. Now that I see what i let go, I know without a doubt my needs and wants. With this realization, I can continue to search with a new purpose and goal. Not to find a person but to find the feeling that comes with that person.

Losing My Mind

The Beau and I

It seems I have lost track to writing this blog, so I am planning on starting over with it. I am currently in a relationship which consists of being a convenient hang out or meal. Seems I have lowered my standards to what is romantic and what is acceptable in terms of a "relationship". I went a year without anything constant, just random dating here and there. It seemed like I was unhappy alone and unhappy within the attention of a mate. As if nothing made me happy, then I stopped trying to meet people. I stopped trying to understand what the male mind wanted in a female. I assumed the role of constant mother and friend. Then he came back, he with his unsettling gaze and rough outspoken attitude. He just nudged a little and I opened up again. I am kind of disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen, allowing myself to fall for him again, but love is love and it is a hard thing to explain. I understand it less today than I did years ago. It is a foreboding feeling especially if everything you think is going the way it should and a sudden shock is sent through you that you were wrong, very wrong. Feelings are hard to convey if they are not present and that is the one thing that he is unable to grasp. He does not know how he loves me or if he loves me at all and that in itself is the harsh reality I live with everyday. Wondering. Pondering. How does it continue, actions speak louder than words, but words give confirmation that there is a feeling. Although I have come to see for myself subtle dealings of praise and love gestures. Bring flowers, comments, kisses, affection. All these things and yet I am still unsure of him. Will my ever present grudge to KCs father seep off unto all other future courtesans or am I to change my heart and allow it to be open and free for another to finally fill that void. We shall see, I will take this journey slowly and hopefully in the end I will find happiness. Happiness with myself and with him. It is just a hope, but it is bright and shining like a star that guides us north.

A Child Can Change All Things

My lil Man

In the beginning of this blog I was trying to find love. In the end I never found the kind of love that I was looking for in particular.I did however discover the love that was there the whole time, a mother's love for her child. The kind of love the you feel when mommy is the first word they say. When he is sad and all I want to do is kiss his sadness away. A love as great as that that GOD has for his children especially that of his only son.That kind of love is enormous and cannot amount to infatuations or trists of lust. I can say now for sure that my 365 days has turned into much longer because the love that I am looking for is almost impossible to find. No man is capable to fill the shoes of my son.The man to love me would need to have a heart for two. It includes someone accepting me as well as my son. Someone who can love wholly for two people and not just one. And that kind of love is hard to find.

Kind of like the Grinch- Day 7

In the movie The Grinch Stole Christmas... I feel like I am the Grinch in a way. His heart was small and holey. Mine felt that way after my break up. Today it is a little different, its not so small and the holes are beginning to close up. Opening myself up helped in a lot of ways as well. I was so guarded for so long that I constantly pushed people away. More specifically men. Advances from men were laughed at for being merely an advance... They possibly could have been nice guys. I am finding that the more I am receptive as well as affectionate, the guy responds better. I was listening to a song by India Arie and she states... I am ready for Love. I want to be ready for Love. I do not want have that fear of rejection, unfaithfulness, or dishonesty anymore.

So today I am going to try from this day forth to stay open and receptive to all things in life...especially L-O-V-E.

A poem someone once wrote that I found Amazing

I want a love like me thinking of you thinkin of me thinkin of you type love or
me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about how i feel about you type love or Hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself type love or seeing how good your first name just sounds so good next to my last name and shit I wanted to see how far I can get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she's dreaming about us being in love type love or
who loves the other more or what is she doing at this exact moment or
slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just...hurt... so much when she's not there type love and "Shit! i love not knowing where this love is headed" type love I want to put postit notes all over the house so she never forgets how much i love her type love not having enough ink in my pens to write all the things i love about her type love Hope i make her feel as good as she makes me feel and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me like I made fun of them when they were going throught the same kinda love type love the only difference is this is one of those real love type loves and just like in high school I want to spend hours on the phone with you not saying shit then fall asleep and wake up with her right next to me
Smell her all up in my covers type love i want to try counting the ways i love her and lose count in the middle just so i have to start over again I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries even though it really isn't an anniversary but doing it just because it makes her happy I want a love makes me need to change my Cell phone calling plan to some thing that allows me to talk to her longer because in all honesty I want to avoid one of those high cell phone bill type loves
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are, I mean the lines on my palms don't allow me to love you as long as I'd like to type love and i want a love that makes me St-st-st-st-stutter thinking about how strong this love is type love
I want a love that makes me cut off all my hair, well...maybe not all of the hair, but i'll cut the split ends and trim my beard, but its still a symbol of of how strong my love is for her I kinda feel comfortable now so... I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so i could lose my memory and get transported to some third world country just to get treated and somehow meet up with you and fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same type love I want a love that is as Unexplainable as she is ---anonymous----